I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
