He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
