I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
