My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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