are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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