Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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