she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
