I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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