Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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