a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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