Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
