im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
