tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
