So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
