i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
