dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How drunk are you?
Completed.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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