sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
