You're a womanizer and a bitch.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
