Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
