Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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