Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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