Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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