Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can't just leave with hair like that
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
