If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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