i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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