Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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