I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
