Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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