In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
