I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
