Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
