peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
