hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
