I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize