so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
