when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
