I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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