haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
