fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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