I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
