I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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