i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
