So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize