Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
