took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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