Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
