My Higher Power is John Stamos
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
