tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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