I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
