I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
