My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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