Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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