I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
