She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
