i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
