I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
