Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
