I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Randomize
