I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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