Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
