I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just saw a hot homeless man
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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