Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
